What is a man?

Days have been hot--so hot that you could just look out onto a field of grass, as the sun shimmers on the wind; and see the glint of light against the wings of bugs. In the air, they rise and fall, moving in a tempo like ballerinas in The Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies. They twirl and pirouette in the heat. They intermingle with the still air. They jump with every occasional breeze. On such days, the heat burrows into your head, eating at your temples. Such days teach you tolerance or impatience. Such days teach you endurance or weakness. This whole week, whole month perhaps, has been filled with such days, one such as today.

Morning strikes like a thief. She steals the night away. Sunday takes dad and I to church. His rusty old truck races with the sun, it makes the attempt to be the first to touch the horizon as it runs downhill on the Chalan Monsignor road. The church is filled with people. Dad and I stand in the back. A young girl rests her head against her fathers shoulder. Her eyes are closed. She sleeps. The sight of her shut eyes bring memories of silence amidst the steady volume of church music: singing and talk. She reminds me of my father and I, and of the quote "the only man a girl can trust in this world is her father". Dad stands in front of me, old and aged.

Fathers remind me of "men". They remind me of the question: what is a man? Is a father a man? How about a father's sons? What perception do men have on the question of what a man is?

My father is loving, and timid. I see this love and timidity in his muscles. He doesn't punch nor fight nor fuss. He uses his physical strength for his work, and none else. His skin, darkened by the sun, is the skin of a man. This is not a result of the physical labor that he has done; but of the internal sacrifice he endures each day for his family. He often discloses to me of the frustration he has of my brother.

My brother makes open declarations of his manhood in his demeanor and in his actions. He makes them loud. He makes them apparent. I see his perception of what a man is in what he says and does. My brother makes sport out of fighting and affinities out of emotional chaos. My brother is not a man yet, although he thinks he is. He fears my father, I see that in the silence between them. My brother is idolized by my nephew who pays no mind to generate his own definition of what a man is, at least not yet.

My nephew, merely 11, looks to the men of our family as models for how he should be. That's why I try to show him the necessity of compassion, of love, of vulnerability--for my father is of silence and my brother is of noise. I want my nephew to be of peace; to be balanced between the two extremities--just like the bugs who dance in the wind on hot days such as this.

A man is not one
who throws fits and fusses
over matters diminutive and
large.
He does not throw fusses
and fits over matters
of little importance,
nor
does he throw fits
and fusses
over matters of
great importance.
A man does not
throw
fits and fusses.
He watches.
He listens.
In silence,
he learns.
He decides
on the cause
and the necessity
for change.
For change,
he reasons.
If reason
does not work,
he acts.
Such is a man.
A man is one
who does not
work to prove
his value,
for he knows
his value.
A man is one
who can surrender
to vulnerability,
to intimacy,
to shame;
and still
have the strength to rise
and live another day,
after feeling so small.
He
is strengthened by these
three defeaters of men.
He unearths
the strength
in his weaknesses.
He does not
have to be
fearless,
for as
a human being,
he fears.
He acknowledges his
fears
in silence if not aloud
and works to
dispel of them.
Such is a man.
A man can falter
under all circumstances:
those
beyond his
control
and those
within it.
A man falters,
but a man rises again.
Before rising again,
a man will not
use
emotion
(anger,
frustration,
silence)
to hide his fear
of being
risen.
He
falls prey
to
being open.
He falls prey,
but the predator is
growth.
A man can
fall before
a woman.
He can love.
He can trust.
He can cry.
As a woman
lusts
for such
a man,
he does not
act
like he is grown.
A man is.
It is this
man
who does not
steal
the hearts
of women.
He does not
win
the hearts
of women.
He does not
catch, sift, play, take, borrow, use
the hearts of woman.
He does not
seek the hearts of women.
He finds
a woman;
the heart of whom
he loves.
Such is a man.
The is woman,
sought and found,
brings a man
manhood
in the connection
between
them.
A man turned
father,
is a man at
last stage.
Such is a man.
The father
who makes men.
A man is he does so.

ill illusions

What moves you? What shakes your thinking? What catches your attention? What makes you smile? What brings silence to your mind? What soothes you? What angers you? What takes you off of your firm footing? What urges you on? What impassions you? What consumes you? Think of what consumes you, and then think of its importance. Think.. Just think..

--

Tonight a thought consumes me, it eats me whole and regurgitates me so as to eat me again. Ours is a world based on illusions. The system that dictates the criterion for what is right and wrong, the definitions to concepts, the boundaries to our thinking--is based on an illusion.

--

[Just don't tell him I posted this. This will save me a lot of time and finger calories.]

Rachel says:
Kevin,
Rachel says:
do you have a second
Rachel says:
?
keviN. says:
yup. now it's gone.
keviN. says:
jus kiddin..
keviN. says:
wassup?
Rachel says:
At the moment, I am completely consumed by a thought that shatters the sense behind our whole system. I'd send you the article I read, but maybe you'd prefer a short summary. ?
keviN. says:
either or
Rachel says:
Should I summarize the article for you?
keviN. says:
oki..
Rachel says:
A planet, now named Gliese 581, has been found to hold water, gravity, and a climate similar to that of Earth. It's 20 light years away, and has given reason for our suspicion of life on other planets.
Rachel says:
This somewhat bothers me...
Rachel says:
I'm not sad or happy.
Rachel says:
Just. unfeeling. But
Rachel says:
It makes me think of whole our whole system, our thinking, our judgements, our priorities are based on illusions.
Rachel says:
And now I can't stop thinking about this.
Rachel says:
Kev,
Rachel says:
say something.
keviN. says:
hmm
keviN. says:
im not sur ewhat to tell you
keviN. says:
ive always believed our race to be misguided by illusions
Rachel says:
So have I, but this
Rachel says:
this justifies that belief tenfold and on levels above any of those majority of our race has ever imagined.
Rachel says:
I'm so
Rachel says:
my head is spinning.
Rachel says:
I'm going to nudge you.

You have just sent a nudge.

Rachel says:
eh, that didnt help too much
keviN. says:
lol
keviN. says:
what do you need to hear?
keviN. says:
our race is nothing when it comes to the universe
keviN. says:
the idea tha we are the only intelligent beings is arrogant propoganda
Rachel says:
My subconcious has accepted that already
Rachel says:
but it just saddens me a whole lot to
Rachel says:
think further, to apply that belief to our world.
Rachel says:
I mean
Rachel says:
if we aren't the "lucky ones" the "chosen", then
Rachel says:
what have we to say of world concepts of world concerns?
Rachel says:
Of emotions? Of the blood spilled and blood brought forth on aspirations based on a whole lot of nothing??
Rachel says:
I mean
Rachel says:
What can I say?
Rachel says:
How are we supposed to live?
Rachel says:
And what for?
Rachel says:
We are born, we live, we die.
Rachel says:
...
keviN. says:
youve begun your climb to understanding
Rachel says:
No
Rachel says:
I've begun my climb to acceptance
Rachel says:
Many know, but don't accept
Rachel says:
conciously
Rachel says:
Kevin,
Rachel says:
how am I supposed to live my life?
Rachel says:
Gov't?? Politics?? Law??
Rachel says:
All these elements of our world that are really just..fluff?
Rachel says:
Ha!
Rachel says:
I wanted to be a lawyer last year! lol!
Rachel says:
geez.....
Rachel says:
And what of emotions Kev?
Rachel says:
hate, anger, sorrow?
Rachel says:
love?

The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:
love?

Rachel says:
It's like a sad joke..
Rachel says:
and sorry I had to reconnect the wire of the router
Rachel says:
lol what silly concerns people have...
keviN. says:
yes
keviN. says:
your mind is undergoing a rapid growth at this very second
Rachel says:
lol you sound like one of those fortune cookies
Rachel says:
The fact of the matter, though
Rachel says:
is that, in reality, I can't change the system (not in the span of my lifetime although, as individuals we can make effects that last, if we even see the worth in doing so)
Rachel says:
I'm breathing right now
Rachel says:
so are you
Rachel says:
so are billions of other people
Rachel says:
The fact that the whole world is fake is no reason for me to take away my life
Rachel says:
as harsh as that sounds its true
Rachel says:
I'm going to live
Rachel says:
in this stupid system,
Rachel says:
and make as much worth with life as I can
Rachel says:
I still can't explain "love" though.
Rachel says:
"emotion".
Rachel says:
"emotion" spurs wants and desires, wants and desires spurs thoughts, those spur beliefs, and beliefs spur actions
keviN. says:
i didnt need to explian a thing
Rachel says:
But I needed someone to listen
Rachel says:
and to rant to
keviN. says:
lol
keviN. says:
i this conversation with myself a long time ago
Rachel says:
keep going
Rachel says:
oh that's all? lol?
Rachel says:
..........yknow...
keviN. says:
lol
keviN. says:
what do you want me to tell you?
Rachel says:
Eh, you wouldve told me the same things I told you, except you'll be referring to yourself
Rachel says:
and using different diction
Rachel says:
and everything would be more to the point lol
Rachel says:
but I wont set expectations
keviN. says:
lol
keviN. says:
sounds about right tho
Rachel says:
lol
Rachel says:

Rachel says:
Eh....
Rachel says:
Friend, dear friend, Kevin of Knives, Kevins Knives,
Rachel says:
The curse
Rachel says:
the horrid or wonderful or ambivalent curse
Rachel says:
of our species (just to our present knowledge)
Rachel says:
is that we have an inherent bond to one another
Rachel says:
to say it mushy, we love one another
Rachel says:
yes,
Rachel says:
North Koreans love South Koreans
Rachel says:
and
Rachel says:
China loves Japan
Rachel says:
but...
Rachel says:
still, emotions propel me to care for the rest of our race regardless of their foolish illusions or shared understandings with myself and with you too
Rachel says:
Our people aren't stupid, they are unknowing, and if not unknowing they are uninformed or stubborn such that they cant accept the truth
Rachel says:
Some limit their span of thinking
Rachel says:
But
Rachel says:
that does not eliminate the fact that my lungs and your lungs and their lungs, and my heart and your heart and their heart, and my digestive system and yor digestive system and their digestive systems
Rachel says:
sprout from a common place, and we are similar, we are brothers
Rachel says:
I choose to care. I choose to love. I choose to be aware of our illusions. I choose to live anyway.
keviN. says:
i rebutt the stupid statement, there are stupid people.
Rachel says:
Yes that is true, I accept your rebuttal, and stand
Rachel says:
lol
Rachel says:
ai....
keviN. says:
lol
Rachel says:
what's so lolly?
Rachel says:
lol?

To Publicize? Or not to Publicize?

To Publicize? Or not to Publicize? Those are the questions.

I decided to make this particular blog private after having created a new one. What edged me on to do so was the strange happening of a comment on one of my entries 30 or so minutes after I posted it. And, it wasn't someone I knew. I started thinking crazy tinkerings of "sexual predators" and "stalkers", and long story short, there are only 4 people I invited to this blog.

Should I really keep this one private?

Cryptic Much?

So I found a site online where I could take AP Bio practice tests. From question 1 to 19, I answered steadfast. But by question 20 my head jumped into another pool of distraction. Check this out:

20) All of the following are stimulated by the sympathetic nervous system EXCEPT:

Stimulate = excite = activate
sympathy = shared feeling
nervous system --> CENTRAL nervous system = brain
"all of the following" neutralizes "except"

So through the process of substitution, question 20 translates to, are you ready for it? OK. It translates to:

"I AGREE WITH YOU".

(Which by the way, is something you should be thinking right now. lol)

Anyway, back to work. I'm waiting for my Lit classmate to log on so we could put together our play for tomorrow. (Where are you??)

O_O

So, I've taken up another secret study. I can't help but smirk at that thought. I can't wait to apply the material.

And. I can't help but admit that the picture to the right makes me want to stick my tongue out and say something like "DORK!".

[We were in the Archives Museum and I was standing below a mural of the Freemasons and the All-Seeing Eye, lol. I should've gotten 2 others to All-See with me.]

College Search

The thought that I'll be graduating next year makes me jittery, and I'm almost 100% certain that with the right "hype" and the right thought, I could just throw up thinking about it. That's how queasy I'm getting.

The search is still ongoing. I've recorded the names of some prospects, or as I like to call them, suspects. But, I've also come to the conclusion that I'm going to apply to some colleges just for the sake of seeing whether or not I'll get accepted. I think it'll be a good analytical study on what certain colleges look for and where I stand among the huge molasses of 2008 high school graduates. Yes, molasses, because I'm predicting that the turn out for quality students in the coming year will be sweet, the numbers will be great and thick, and resumes will be competitively enticing. Oh, sugar, sugar.

As much as I hate the present conundrum with the PSS budget and the possibility of us starting school in October, if our efforts to prevent such a catastrophe fail, I should like to be prepared. Who said "preparation is key" again? Anyway, in this case it is. I plan to take NMC classes, get a part-time job, and maintain extra-curriculars. Since next year is my senior year, I'm going to be damn sure that I make it count. I'll salvage my academics, use NMC classes as a way to show college admissions officers that "hey, I've taken college-level AP classes, but I've also taken college classes! What better way to see how well I'll do in your college then looking at how well I did in college?". I'm also planning on starting up a few organizations/clubs here on island, one is a chapter of a US-based youth organization (more on that later), another will be an original, and a 3rd won't be a club. The 3rd would be a coalition of students who would meet on a planned basis for community service activities. I don't want to make it an established club because then it'll be under club activities and not personal undertakings to help the community.

And now that I'm all hyped up and even open-minded to playing that Rocky Balboa soundtrack so as to run up and down the 3 steps of stairs that lead from our living room to the bedrooms, I say, hear ye, here ye, here is my declaration that 2008 will be a great year, and so will 2007 being that it leads into that year. Like, cheyah duude.

Favorite Pic 4/22/07

I was google-imaging for "glass dome" and saw this in the finds.
It's from the 1906 San Francisco earthquake.
The crevice extending from the bottom-right corner
to the center of the picture looks like a sea horse,
or a Trojan horse, or a unicorn with a really long tail.
Don't you just feel as though you could lower your arm
into that black crevice and have another hand grab onto yours?

A Nightmare. A Nightmare.

"So check myspace. You can get everyone's number on myspace." -my mom, to my dad

----------

A nightmare.

My parents' are planning on migrating to the mainland with me for college.

A nightmare.

O.O

My dad tells my mom that Rachel likes the East Coast. Keep in mind that I'm seated in front of the computer just a few feet away from them as they sit at the dining room table.

Rachel likes the East Coast? My mom asks.

Rachel you like the East Coast? My dad asks.

Yes, I like the East Coast. I say in reply.

So what state in the East Coast? My mom inquires.

I've been looking at a lot of schools in D.C., Maryland; NY has always been an option.

Yeah, those are where you find the good schools, in the East Coast. Goes my dad.

Oh, my gosh. (In typical Filipina accent.) Very expensive there!

But they're good schools. Dad says in rebuttal.

Geez... I'm thinking, geez... I'm going to the mainland for college. College. College is expensive, you know that? Yeah, you know that. Do my parents know that? I know they know that. But, it seems like they're making my going to college an opportunity to migrate. I have nothing against that. For all their hard work, I want them to get out of this here black hole. But the image that keeps showing up in my mind is... frightening...

I can see it now.

Rachel! Rachel! Get up! It's already 7! You have to take your dad to the supermarket before class starts! Nako. Anong bata ito. Sus mari jose...

Girl! Girl! Little one! Get up! Ehihihi. Adai, patgon dikiki. Cmon, kid. Take your dad to the supermarket.

Ok. Maybe I don't see it as being exactly that way.

The thing is..

In my eyes, college will be an escape to the long-awaited independence I've been working for. I like the thrill of living on my own, the excitement of a new environment, the change of atmosphere. I like knowing that one day, the day I arrive on that campus, the day I leave on that plane, the day the sole of my right foot shoe touches American mainland ground--I will have my place, my chance to flourish. Freedom... Oh, oh, Braveheart you say it best, freedom. I yearn for that freedom. I pine for that freedom. I also pine for the opportunity of finally being able to concentrate and focus without interruption. It's not like I won't miss anyone here--family & friends--of course, I will. How can I not?

But I need this. I need to have this one opportunity. I need this so badly. I'm completely vulnerable saying that, but it's true.

If my parents want to move to the mainland then I won't stop them... But howsabout they stay in Oregon where some of my cousins are? Or California where some of my aunts and uncles are? Y'know? The west coast??

Oh my gosh.. lol. Does that sound mean? Does that sound selfish? lol.

I remember a conversation I had with dad in late 2006. Mom wanted to follow me to college. Dad was against it. He said "You are going to be there for your studies, to get your education. I know that if your mom follows you there she'll be disrupting your focus. I know because I've experienced college before."

Dad's right. I need my focus. Yes, I will be put to the limits. Yes, I will be stressed and run down, up, and over. Yes... Perhaps my parents are getting the notion that their presence will allow them to alleviate my stress or pick me out of situations where they feel I need their help. The strange thing is, I've never asked for their help. Not with competitions, extracurriculars, classes, not with my financial pickles, despite my ongoing unemployment. If I get into trouble, my parents should grant me the gift of being the one to lead myself out of it--to learn, to adapt, to become responsible, to strengthen my legs so as to stand on my own two feet. I'm not pushing them out of my life, I'd never do that, I'm just making the attempt to use the basics they taught me of life early in life to prolong my life, so as to give back to them.

My parents worry me lots. I may yearn, pine, and ache for freedom but even more I want to see the day where the fruits of my self-earned labor will reward my parents, will get them out of their worries and give them the life they deserve.

Ai...So, my dad is going to try to call up a friend in Maryland--yeah cause yknow, me wanting to attend school in DC and all? If that's the case, maybe I'll attend college in DC for a short while, and transfer over to some other state in the upper east coast. But if I could have it my way, they wouldn't follow me over when I go. I'll be the first to go, I'll attend college for a couple years, I'll test the waters for the folks and see if I could find a place for them. I think it'll be too much of a financial risk for my folks to cash out about $4000 on airfare, and then to cash out more for a place to stay, and the costs for adjustment...and then they suddenly find out that things weren't what they seemed to be. It isn't easy migrating to the mainland. The American Dream is tantalizing and promising on appearance, but most dreams aren't achieved overnight. These things take time and lots of planning, not on-the-whim decision-making. (See the allusion to Upton Sinclair's The Jungle?)

Oh, bloy. We'll see. We'll see.

Musics

Colbie Caillat should be emulated for her unique voice.
John Legend is legendary. That sexy beast.
Jamie Cullum... Ah... Jamie Cullum...
Flyleaf is the feces.
Jack Johnson is outlandishly islandy, but, hey, he's cool like that.
Dashboard Confessional, you have stolen me.
Nirvana is grungy good.
Anna Nalick: "these words are my diaries screaming out loud".
Bellissimo... Bellissimo... Bellissimo... Bella, bella...
Plain White T's? It's what you do to me!
Gym Class Heroes, you heroes maintain my hippety-hoppety homeostasis.
Fort Minor, Mike Shinoda: "Remember the name". Their names.

I know I'm forgetting many.

Care to add on?

The Plan (June & July)

June 17 - 22 / Witchita, Kansas / NFL Nationals
(http://www.kansasnationals2007.com/ , http://www.nflonline.org/NationalTournament/SiteInformation)

• Sunday, June 17 - Registration
• Monday, June 18 - Preliminary Competition
• Tuesday, June 19 - Competition
• Wednesday, June 20 - Competition
• Thursday, June 21 - Competition
• Friday, June 22 - Finals at Century II

June 23 - 24 Road Trip!!!

June 25 - 30 / Lincoln, Nebraska / International Thespian Society Festival
(http://www.edta.org/our_season/thespian_festival.asp , http://www.edta.org/pdf_archive/07fest_schedule_ov131220061001.pdf , http://www.edta.org/pdf_archive/07fest_online_reg_auditions131220061046.pdf)

• Monday, June 25 - Workshops (2:30-6PM), Early shows (8-10AM), Main Stage Reception
• Tuesday, June 26 - Playworks Auditions (9AM-12PM), IE Presentations (9AM-6PM), Workshops (2-6PM), College&Scholarships auditions (2-6PM), Opening show (3-5:30PM), Opening show 2 (7:30-10:30PM), Dance&Reception (10:30PM - 12:30AM)
  
• Wednesday, June 27 - Main stage show (10-12:30PM), Workshops&one-acts&auditions (2-6PM), Main stage show 2 (8-10:30PM), Dance&reception&improv (10:30PM-12:30AM)
  
• Thursday, June 28 - same as Wednesday
• Friday, June 29 - same as Wednesday
• Saturday, June 30 - same as Wednesday

[I'm not sure what time I fly out of Lincoln for Cali...]

July 1 - 26 / Palo Alto, California / Junior Statesmen Summer School
(https://www.jsa.org/netforumjsf/eweb/docs/summer/summer/stanford.html)

Y'know?

Y'know, I was thinking... I've been studying for my AP Bio class a lot lately... And there's much hubbub about endergonic..exergonic..enzymatic reactions. Anyway, I was just thinking, I need some sort of mental enzyme that'll speed me up with the stuff I have to get done. Seriously. I feel like right now I'm going at 15 mph. I need a catalyst that'll get me up to at least 45 mph. What would an example of a "mental enzyme" be? Ritalin? For the non-ADHD? Nah... Caffeine?? No.. Caffeine gets me hyped up for a short amount of time and then afterwards there comes a big drop off and I'm suddenly tired. Just like endergonic reactions: a steady rise and a sharp decline. Some people use quotes or music... It depends on the person.. It's that whole enzyme specificity business. Oy. With "mental enzymes" as opposed to actual enzymes, I wonder if they denature when heated exponentially. Think about it.. Let's say that coffee gets your brain thinking quicker, so coffee is your "mental enzyme". Actual enzymes denature at high temperatures. What would happen if your "mental enzyme" was heated exponentially? 1) "Heating" could refer to extreme stress or pressure and would imply that you get a some nervous breakdown of some sort. 2) Maybe it'll just mean that your coffee would be to hot. Too hot to drink.

Oh, well. :P

Bah! Humbug!

Today I felt like an old cranky, haggardly woman. Bleh. I have stuff to do. And yet, I feel like keeling over, with my head down in to the keyboard, and just staring blankly at the mouse. Doing. Nothing. I think I was a little bitchy today, too. Harumph.. I usually use the word "bitch(y)" when I am.

I'm feeling snappy. The "push the wrong button, and I'll have your ass"-snappy. "Snap back"-snappy.

-_-

Nacho Libre

If ever you feel overwhelmingly stressed, I recommend that you go rent the movie Nacho Libre. The extreme stupidity of the movie is certain to get your spirits up and your gratitude in check. Lol. This week has been particularly busy, and it only goes up from here.

1. a. NFL Regionals was held on Saturday. The whole week before that I'd been sleeping at 3-ish or 4-ish in the morning. The night directly before, I went to bed at 5-something AM and woke up at...6:45. I remember because I originally planned on waking up at 6:15, just as I set my mom's cell phone alarm clock to. I set it at a series of alarms--5:45, 5:55, 6:05, and 6:15. I got to Dandan Elementary at 7:00 AM, and no one was there. The gates were locked and the place was a ghost town. I texted a number of people trying to assure that the comp was at Dandan; I called Gretch to ask and she said, lol, "Rach, course noone's there, it's fucking 7 in the morning!" lol. She came 15 minutes after. lol.
b. If any, I learned the extent of how much I'm willing to push myself. Or rather, "propel" myself. I wrote my Expos two days before the event, but had to modify it 3 times such that I only had the morning of the comp to "memorize" it. I got my DI the day before the competition and used the night and morning before regionals to memorize and work out the performance. Mr. Easton was darn pissed with me, but, hey, there was a point where I was considering not competing at all.
c. I'm sooo proud of this years winners. It's an absolute truth when I tell you that, in these competitions, the ante gets upped every year. Competition was hard this year. I'm telling you, oh yes, oh yes, it was. I can't wait to go to Kansas.. lol. I love the crowd I'm going with, too. (Not that last years crowd was anything short of this years; it's either you lovem or you hatem.) Anita, Gin, Adeleyah, Andrew, Ryan O, Hazel, Deborah, In Young, Effrain... All good folks. I'm kinda pouting that a lot of last years folks aren't going this year.
d. Upsides? (1) More mileage for my Onepass account, (2) getting off of this island this summer, (3) meeting more NFL nerds, (4) perhaps meeting up with old NFL nat'ls friends from the '06 comp, (5) I don't have to fundraise for my JSA airfare!, (6) I get to go to Lincoln, Nebraska for Thespian thus I get to try out for the Thespian Junior Scholarships (cheyah!), (7) getting off this island, (8) getting off this island, (9) getting off this island. Have I missed any?

2. AP Exams are coming up in May. I know that the likelihood of getting a 5 will be difficult to attain but I'll do my best to get the best I can. The exam for AP Biology is my biggest competition. The exam for AP Lit will be fun, I'm guessing. I'm studying for both anyway. I need to get my SAT Prep up. I need to login my noggin.

3. I'm loving my business class. AP Lit is therapeutic with the exception that the assignments we get are tedious--easy, very easy--but tedious and time-consuming. For AP Biology, Mr. Philips (who is really the AP Physics/Honors Chem/Honors Astronomy/Marine Biology teacher) is doing an excellent job. We couldn't ask for a better replacement for Mr. Mack. After Mr. Mack retired last semester, the whole class (there are 6 AP Bio students) have gotten so far behind. The principal got the NMC biology teacher to teach us for a while, but in truth, he was a sucky teacher. Mr. Phillips is a far better, in my POV. He got Mrs. Borja to order Princeton Review Cracking the AP Exam books for each of us. Oh Yeah. lol.

4. Lately people keep asking me if I'll be going to prom. It's.. uncertain? I don't know. I think I'd like to but. I don't know. The ticket costs...how much does the ticket cost? I forgot. I think it's $65 for couple and..$45? for single? My chic friends are going with chic friends and the chic friends with boy friends are going with boyfriends. I wonder if my guy friends will be going with guy friends? lol. Course not. Eh. I always wanted my first prom to be more traditionalized though. We'll see. We'll see.

5. JSA! You know what?!? I haven't turned in my deposit yet! That's why I'm going to stay up until 1ish in the morning to call Christie Omengabar and pick her brains for insight. I'm really worried. I don't want to be fundraising for a spot I don't have. Rawr! So freaking frustrated about that! I'll pull the cash out of my savings account for all I care! That's what I usually do for all my important expenses..

6. Which reminds me. My laptop? It broke. I used my cash to finance the purchase of the thing. And. It broke. You know, maybe I could work part-time before the NFL>Thespian>JSA trip and save up for a new laptop. Or I could order one through Dell and pay for it via an installment plan. I'll ask my dad if I could use his credit card and I'll deposit cash after every paycheck. My parents offered to buy me a new one, but, cmon. Mom? Dad? You've got too many other expenses to deal with. And I've always hated asking my parents for stuff anyways. Especially when I can get it myself.

7. JSA Fundraising! (Pay no attention to #5 at this point.) Right now, I'm holding a raffle fundraiser for my tuition. Turns out that I'll be the only student from MHS going to JSA this year. The tickets are $1 each. Grand prize is 3 PIC waterpark passes. 1st prize is a $10 Hollywood Theaters GC (let GC = Gift Certificate). 2nd is a $10 Bestseller GC. 3rd is a $10 Papaya's GC. 4th is a $10 Boarderline GC. 5th is a $10 Payless Shoesource GC. 6th is a $5 Blockbuster GC. 7th is a $5 Subway GC. 8th is a $5 McDonald's GC. 9th is a $5 Java Joe's GC. 10th is a $5 Saipan Cell Prepaid Phonecard. If you're interested in buying or selling tickets you could call me at 4841328. :)

8. That's all I can think of as of now. (=

Creative Writing 1.a. : Thoughts

It's somewhat nonsensical, but it's a start. Part 1.a. completed at 10:26 PM 4/16/07.

Reader, do not treat your imaginations coldly by brutishly rebuffing the thoughts that arise in the midst of your minds with careless enmity. Whether they be ponderous or aimless, indulge in these thoughts as you would indulge yourself in other pleasures of the world. Treat each thought like a fruit in the garden of your mind. Garner each thought as carefully you would a fruit, gently breaking it off at the branch from which it stems, lightly placing it in the basket of your attention to be grappled by the hands of the hungry, taken apart and consumed by those who devour it, enriching them and giving them sustenance to live on, to think on.
What thoughts consume you? What thoughts have you consumed? What thoughts enrich you? What thoughts? What thoughts?
Are they secretive recluses that hide behind the doorways as another ponderer opens your mouth to pick your brain? Do they hide there forever after you die, forcing the interested to pick at your brain by picking at your nose with a pick just as the Egyptians did to their deceased?
Are they grand thoughts that take no measures to conceal themselves; openly inviting those who wish to hear, the opportunity to peruse through them like paintings, masterpieces, at a scene aesthetic?
Renounce the masks of your mind. Be open. Share your concerns. Share your idiotic ramblings, sophisticated theories, sophisticated ramblings, and idiotic theories. Let not your mind be suppressed; to do so is to languish in the creativity of the world. The complexities of our world in comparison to the nothingness of space must propel us to keep moving forward—just as the complexities of the universe and of the nothingness of space should incite our imaginations to add on to our world.
Does the prospect of being erroneous hamper you from publishing your ponderings? The possibility of being wrong? If so, then what is it to be wrong? Who has the authority to judge your thoughts, dub them as inaccurate, and call them out on being mistakes? To shout blasphemy? Everyone?
Everyone has the right to think that you are mistaken. The world could disagree with your thinking, but just so long as they are yours; then you will always have the right to disagree with theirs in rebuttal. Be a heretic of thought. Propriety is for the drones of society. Think without the aiming to ingratiate or disparage another. Think your own thoughts for the benefit of you.
Michelangelo and Da Vinci used morsels of paint to piece masterpieces of color. Dickens, Poe, and Orwell used words to construct towering prose and poetry. Darwin used observations to unearth major scientific theories. These morsels of paint, words, and observations acted as catalysts in the chemical reactions that ignite the creation of their worlds. These virtuosos of their fields dedicated themselves to their thoughts, their catalysts, and elevated themselves to levels where no other could combat them at the competition of who could write more Dickensian than Dickens or who could theorize more Darwinian as Darwin—becoming peerless at the competition of themselves. What thoughts catalyze you? What thoughts make up you? What thoughts make you?

Lookie What I Found

They were on Pete's website:

1. I aspire of interning at the Washington Reps office for a year or two
and then going forward from there. This picture is a head-dress adver-
tisement: Mwarmwars and cowboy hats. Yeehaw, amigo.


2. Louvele Borja, beautiful as ever. ;)


3. My head. I love the facial expressions on everyone's face as they
look at Rep. Teno. lol..


4. Apparently, everyone's hiding something. Why is everyone smiling
whereas Pete isn't? And where am I? Is this something "height-related"? lol.


5. Oh, how I love the upper east coast... (=...


6. The mwarmwar was itchy.


I think that the only problems I have with Washington D.C. would be how shockingly clean the place is.
And..conservative. I need to explore the city more to find out. The conservative part scares me though.
Lol. Another scary thought would be the ever constant formality in dress and manner. I mean. If I ran DC,
I'd declare that every Friday be Casual-Dress day; and in Autumn Casual dress days, people would be in comfy
clothing and tennis shoes kicking up maple leaves in their orange-red-yellow piles... And then! Friends would
roll around in the green grass! Just so long as we aren't in a dog park... And in the spring, we'd explore the other states! Oh!
Oh! Oh! The Metro! I love the Metro... Oh well.. lol.. Before I start planning on what I'd do there, I'll plan on how I'll get there. :P

You, Have, Sto-, -Len, My.. Poem?

I stole this, hehehe:

I. S. Turgenev

December 15th, 1878

"When I’m no longer there, when all that was once me will turn to ashes—you, my only friend, the one I loved so deeply, the one who will outlive me—do not visit my grave… There is nothing for you there.

Do not forget me… and do not remember me in the bustle of your pleasures, needs and worries… I do not wish to harm your life; I do not wish to burden its calm flowing. But in your times of solitude, when shy and stupid sadness finds you in your room—pick a book, a one we loved, and find the pages, find the lines, the words—that made our eyes shed sweet and silent tears.

Read, close your eyes and reach out your hand… Reach out your hand to me, your absent friend.
I won’t be able to hold it close, it won’t be moving under the ground, but now, I think, that, maybe, you will feel my touch, it’s always there.

And my image will descend before you, and you will see me, and from under your half-closed lashes tears will flow, so much alike to those that we would shed together, when Beauty touched us in its grasp, and smile—my only friend, the one I loved so deeply, the one who will outlive me."

And another piece of writing I love:

Wallflowers by Donna Vorreyer

I heard a word today I'd never heard before--
I wondered where it had been all my life.
I welcomed it, wooed it with my pen,
let it know that it was loved.

They say if you use a word three times, it's yours.
What happens to ones that no one speaks?

Do they wait bitterly,
hollow-eyed orphans in Dickensian bedrooms,
longing for someone to say,
"yes, you...you're the one"?

Or do they wait patiently, shy shadows
at the high school dance,
knowing that, given the slightest chance,
someday, they'll bloom?

I want to make room for all of them,
to be the Ellis island of diction--
give me your tired, your poor,
your gegenshein, your zoanthropy--
all those words without a home,
come out and play--live in my poem.

And an old-time favorite:

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Taotao Saipan... Suste gatde, it's already 3:47 AM. O.^ I'd better get back to work. Happy Wednesday! (=

O-I--<

P.S. Who ChamEnglish you??? Or rather... ChamoTagalEnglish you??? yeahaha... or.. uh.. erm.. yeah. Morning, World. ;)

10 Rules for Being Human and Interesting AP Lit Convo

[Before you start reading, play the 3rd song on my Imeem player @ the bottom of my profile, and you may proceed reading after pressing play.]
So we were separated into groups of three to discuss and answer questions for the play we finished reading today, Death of Salesman by Arthur Miller. I get grouped with Bernadeth and Ki Young (which is awesome because they're always fun to work with). A little on 'Deth and Ki. Bernadeth is a Junior-Senior whom I've known since my freshie year here in MHS; she's one of the most intellectual cats the school has seen. Sweet girl, that one. She's in the same grade as I am and would've been our valedictorian, but she chose the option of graduating with the Seniors this year--but get this, now she's their valedictorian. (lol. Go 'Deth) Ki Young is called the "Communist North Korean" by our rad, Ultra-liberal, atheist, ordained, AP Lit teacher, Dr. Algaier. She transferred into our school from Mount Carmel after Junior High, and what amazes me about Ki is the number of AP classes she's taken right when she got into MHS. The girl has brains. Super cool Asian brains, but good think-tinkering brains. (Woo! Go Asians! Chyeah!) I love 'Deth and Ki boff.

Anyway, after answering a few questions, Doc (Dr. Algaier) wanders over to our side of the table and picks up a book of mine I nonchalantly laid in front of me earlier. It's entitled "If Life is a Game, These are the Rules" by Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.

He reads this and he asks me "Is this some kind of spiritual shit? Whaddaya mean 'if life is a game, these are the rules'? Is 'life a game'?" [And you gotta understand that this is just the way that Doc is. He's cool like that, not like other mean old AP teachers, even said I should marry his son which is like.. "wtflol" and "?!?!#?@?", told my mom that his son was my fiance on report card day. I laugh at how I managed to cover that up. lol.] I tell him, "They use the analogy of life being a game, so technically there should be rules." He can't hear me. I repeat. So he reads some of the rules. I'll give them all to you:

1. You will receive a body.
2. You will be presented with lessons.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.
4. Lessons are repeated until learned.
5. Learning does not end.
6. "There" is no better than "here".
7. Others are only mirrors of you.
8. What you make of your life is up to you.
9. All the answers lie inside of you.
10. You will forget all of this at birth.

So the conversation progresses and later it hits me: Arthur Miller was the dude that Marilyn Monroe married. To clarify, I bring it up with Doc. He confirms, and we start talking about Marilyn Monroe.

And all the affairs she had. Joe Dimaggio. John F. Kennedy. AND John's BROTHER, Robert F. Kennedy. And countless other men. Or Idk. People. ?

Somehow, despite how ludicrous her reputation was, a part of me really admires the woman for the way she lived her life..

Ok. Back to the classroom setting. Doctor Algaier was talking about her affair with the Kennedy brothers and 'Deth says "Really??" and Doc says "Yeah! Remember that song [and he starts singing] 'Haaappy biirrthdayy, Mrr. Preesssidenntt..." And I'm thinking "Ugh! I don't want to hear my teacher singing this!!!" I put my head down and cover my ears. LOL. Well, anyway, that's good for now. I wonder if I could find that song on Imeem...

HAAAPPY BIIIIRRRRFFFDAYYYY MRRRR. PRESSSIDEENNNT, HAPPPYYY BIRRRFFFDAYY TOOO YOUUUUUU...

right-shoulder angel; left-shoulder devil

I'm trying to find inspiration for two speeches I have to write so I've been going through quotes and googling and regoogling for interesting articles and ideas and been scavenging from blogs I've written on myspace. I've gotten a few ideas down. Anyway, I love this poet, ya gotta watch this:

-"..men's and women's shirts are buttoned on opposite side so that couples could get dressed facing eachother after making love.."
- "..you've helped me hammer some of my worst manners into manhood.."
- "..you are like a vivid video game and I'm the idiot kid just trying to get to your next level.."
- "..I like your right-shoulder angel; hell, I like your left-shoulder devil.."

Today

I am going to work my ass of to get things done!

And 100 milliseconds ago I saw this quote:

"Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel, stop deciding with our mind what we want our heart to feel; sometimes we just have to go with 'Whatever happens--happens'."

At first it struck me as being really sappy, but I've succumbed to loving it now. :)

And what's going on with Bill Clinton and Belinda Stronach? Can't the guy ever just keep his pants on?

At The Moment

I am 60% happy, 10% sad, 10% angry, 5% frustrated, and 5% tired out. [Did you know that if you switch the places of "i" and "r" in "tired" you get "tried"? I just realized that. lol] The remaining 10% in undeterminable at the moment.

Let me start from the latter-most and move into the former.

And before that, let me take a deep breath.

Okay.

I am 5% tired out because I've had too many serious thoughts lately. I mean, cmon, take a look at my last blog entry; what the heck was I thinking? lol. Life deserves its stupid moments, moments unbridled by solemn thoughts and filled with random actions. I think it makes one breathe easier and die happier.

I am 5% frustrated because I was at Java Joe's typing that last blog entry, and Henry, if you're reading this, that was after you left. Well, at JJoes, typing, and I was just about finished when my time expired on the net and it really frustrated me because I know that if I had just another minute then I couldv'e gotten the rest of what I wrote saved and published and I could move on to the next blog when time befits it. It's not too much of a burden though because I saved the rest of it on MWord. The other reason why I am frustrated is because a certain somebody is frustrated that I'm on the pc right now when that certain somebody has been on it all day today playing some online game that has no similarity to my school-related necessity of why I need the pc; and I know that sounds kinda selfish, but it is sensible--and besides that certain somebody has been doing the same all this week, same game, long hours. RAWR. RAWHAWHAWR. RAWHAWR.

Now the last percentage intertwines with this next one.

I am 10% angry because after coming home from church today that certain somebody was still on the pc playing the same game (but that's not what angered me). What angered me was that, when I saw this I thought "You know what, I have no time to be angry with him. I'll just borrow his laptop (being that mine is baroque) and hook it up to the telephone line". And so I approached the certain somebody and said, "Hey, can I hook up your laptop to the telephone line, I need to use the net?", he glances at me and then back to the pc monitor and says "K". And I'm telling you, it wasn't one of those jolly or nonchalant "K"s it was one of the "I'm gonna smite you; here me smite you"-"K"s. Rrr...I wallow in anger... (and strangely feel the urge to type "lol")... But Rrr... SO. I neatly remove his laptop from the carrying case. Neatly place it on the steps by the phone, neatly remove the neatly stowed mouse that I neatly stowed earlier that day, gracefully set up the laptop and insert the phone line into the input whatever thing on the side of the thing. I wait for it to start up and then go to network and internet connections to set up the dial-up and that whole fajita. In this attempt I keep trying to set up the dial-up with the phone numbers and user names and all like I've done countless time with my now-lemon-laptop, my mom notices my frustration, and she asks my brother about the connection and he says "My laptop doesn't work with dial-up". And I'm thinking "Wtf. You could've told me that when I asked you if I could connect it to the phone line." Ooohoohoohooohoo.... This is not the state of mind you want to be in when you just get back from church.... lol.

Another breath. Okay.

10% sad. The sadness part is really rather simple. I am sad because my laptop has left me to live in that mystical floating Silicon Valley in the sky (NOT in Californication). (That last word was a bad combination, lol, sorry.) I am also sad because I feel like I'm still uncertain of what I want to do with my life. I tell people that I'm planning to go into law, but a part me is really saying "no. no. not law. not law. no." I feel somewhat lost because random people and people older than me and friends, they approach me telling me of the great future ahead of me and all that, but I'm still uncertain. Anyway, moving on.

I AM 60% HAPPY! because... after the certain somebody said that his laptop don't do no dial-up, our mom told him to get off the pc and let me use it (meaning to say that theres a possibility that I won't have to stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning again doing homework or research or procrastinating because I couldn't do that earlier). I even told him "You should have told me that it doesn't work with dial-up" but he didn't say anything in reply. lol. Ai adai, si Kuya. One day I'll be compelled to smack him on the back of his head. Just. I think he'll smack me back and it'll hurt more for me. lol. I am also happy because when it comes to this uncertainty of mine, I know that regardless of whether or not I live my life aiming and hitting set goals and aspirations like a clean-cut diamond of a focused jeweler, I will always know that there will be options around me that I can choose to gear me towards these said-goals, and if any, I'm not afraid of changing my life plan. It's like business: a successful businessman follows the trends and isn't afraid of taking the risk he sees are worth taking. I'm not afraid of living my life as it goes. Which reminds me...

The last undeterminable 10%... haha... This correlates to living my life as it goes... I want to leave that 10% open for whatever coincidence or circumstance hits me after I post this blog. The night is not over yet. And a random thought! Have you noticed that lately the moon has been full?! (Lulu, I think you'll enjoy this.) WELL, lol, there's a belief that when one looks upon a full moon and allows the light to engulf the surface of his eyes, he is bound for love or bound to fall in love or..something like that; but isn't that sweet?! lol. aaw... I would like to do more shtuff on nights where the moon is full... Easter vigil usually falls on a night where the moon is full... What if I got married on a night with a full moon? Or honeymoon? Oh, lol, personal. Ok. What if... I don't know.. Two nights ago, the moon was full and conspicuously low, so I grabbed my sister's digcamera and ran up the stairs of King's Plaza and up to roof top past the rebars that protrude off the cement and ran over to the edge of the building and took a picture. I wanted to take a pic while it's light outline the clouds but I was too late. lol. That was fun, though, I'll try to find that picture.

Ok. :P I'm going to post this and get to work now. Gnight folks! Or. It's 11:57 right now. So. Almost good morning, too!

-Rach

In The Zone

I need to find something that would get me "in the zone" for things I have or want to do. Y'know? When your teacher gives you some time-draining assignment that you just can't help but dread at the mere thought doing? Or when you feel like writing something, anything at all, but you just can't seem to find the right things to say or the energy to say that right thing? Or lets take something different, you want to go running but something's etching into you that makes you completely lethargic to the point you don't even want to put on your shoes but you just sit there on the living room couch dangling a shoe by it's laces? Yeah, that's the thing. I need something to get me in the zone for things. Some kind of magical "shtuff". I mean, think about it. Popeye had his spinach. Superman uses the energy of the sun. What else? Who else? Ugh. You get what I'm saying. lol. Eh, I don't know. What gets you "in the zone"?

Have you ever stopped to wonder...

Have you ever stopped to wonder just where the heck are the could've-been-brothers and could've-been-sisters from the years they could've been born in your place instead of you to make you a could've been sibling to them? Yeah, neither have I. With the exception of now that is.

Have you ever stopped to wonder of the components of sugar that make it so sweet and if that same component is the same as the one in your brain that makes you think some stuff people say or people do for other people is sweet? Aside from now I haven't because in truth that's pretty stupid..but..sweet. (=

Have you ever stopped to wonder of the derivatives of certain "shtuff" that exist in the present-day world and the reason why people have affinities for them? Like... Legalized beatings. With much respect, let's take for example Trench Tech; the whole kick-boxing or muay tai fighting that has become pretty big in this here money-driven/deprived island of ours. Now, I have much despair in saying this on the fact that I have friends and family who take part in the sport, but I am compelled to admit that I had a thought the other night as my eyes solved the television pixel-puzzle of what seemed to be a Guam Trench Tech fight. I saw husky sweaty men beating the electrolytes out of each other, blood gushing out of broken skin like perspiration pouring out of pores. I also saw a crowd of people circumventing the elevated ring, spraying shouts of joy and jubilation into the air that it almost seemed that a miasma of vapor-saliva from all their shouts and screams came together in a hazy fog of, oh-forgive-me, brutish irrationality. (Sorry but that's what I immediately thought of at the time!)

I wondered of how a likely derivative of this human affinity of watching pain could quite possibly be gladiator fights from the Greco-Roman period, wherein slaves and captive prisoners would literally beat the shit out of each other to save their own lives; and here I feel I must stress and restress that these gladiators weren't just fighting for the love of the crowd and the dictator who controlled their fate--but they were fighting for their lives. They were in the ring to kill. They were in the ring to kill, and not be killed. This led me to a greater perception of the value of life and self-imposed pain; not to mention that this thought shed a brighter (not necessarily better) light on "games" or "sports" that focus on physically hurting your own opponent. In the real world, outside of the ring, the world unregulated by the sound of the referee's whistle and hollow clang of the bell signaling to start the fight; intentionally imposing physical pain on another human being usually ends up with some kind of violation of the law. It's good to keep that in mind the next time that you see your sibling or nephew or niece scrunching up his or her face and hunching up his or her back while bellowing something like "WWWRRESSTTLLEEMAANNIIIAAAAA!!!" or "DOOO YYOOOUUU SMMEEELLL WHHHAT THHHEEEE RROOCCKKK ISSS COOOKIIIINGGG"? I know I will, and I'll be sure to say in reply that, heck, chyeah I smell what The Rock is cooking: a hefty gumbo of lawsuits and court trials bobbing around in a stew of blood, sweat, and irrationality!

Well, that's all for tonight's "Have you ever stopped to" wonders. ;)

Consider this a "hello" from my brand new blogspot blog; born on the night of April 4, out of my head, a near-future collegiate scholar's promptings, and a US-illegal-immigrant-population-load of Wednesday evening procrastination.


P.S. Here's a Def Poetry video. I love this stuff. And to the guy in this video, will you marry me? lol. nah jk. :P