What is a man?

Days have been hot--so hot that you could just look out onto a field of grass, as the sun shimmers on the wind; and see the glint of light against the wings of bugs. In the air, they rise and fall, moving in a tempo like ballerinas in The Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies. They twirl and pirouette in the heat. They intermingle with the still air. They jump with every occasional breeze. On such days, the heat burrows into your head, eating at your temples. Such days teach you tolerance or impatience. Such days teach you endurance or weakness. This whole week, whole month perhaps, has been filled with such days, one such as today.

Morning strikes like a thief. She steals the night away. Sunday takes dad and I to church. His rusty old truck races with the sun, it makes the attempt to be the first to touch the horizon as it runs downhill on the Chalan Monsignor road. The church is filled with people. Dad and I stand in the back. A young girl rests her head against her fathers shoulder. Her eyes are closed. She sleeps. The sight of her shut eyes bring memories of silence amidst the steady volume of church music: singing and talk. She reminds me of my father and I, and of the quote "the only man a girl can trust in this world is her father". Dad stands in front of me, old and aged.

Fathers remind me of "men". They remind me of the question: what is a man? Is a father a man? How about a father's sons? What perception do men have on the question of what a man is?

My father is loving, and timid. I see this love and timidity in his muscles. He doesn't punch nor fight nor fuss. He uses his physical strength for his work, and none else. His skin, darkened by the sun, is the skin of a man. This is not a result of the physical labor that he has done; but of the internal sacrifice he endures each day for his family. He often discloses to me of the frustration he has of my brother.

My brother makes open declarations of his manhood in his demeanor and in his actions. He makes them loud. He makes them apparent. I see his perception of what a man is in what he says and does. My brother makes sport out of fighting and affinities out of emotional chaos. My brother is not a man yet, although he thinks he is. He fears my father, I see that in the silence between them. My brother is idolized by my nephew who pays no mind to generate his own definition of what a man is, at least not yet.

My nephew, merely 11, looks to the men of our family as models for how he should be. That's why I try to show him the necessity of compassion, of love, of vulnerability--for my father is of silence and my brother is of noise. I want my nephew to be of peace; to be balanced between the two extremities--just like the bugs who dance in the wind on hot days such as this.

A man is not one
who throws fits and fusses
over matters diminutive and
large.
He does not throw fusses
and fits over matters
of little importance,
nor
does he throw fits
and fusses
over matters of
great importance.
A man does not
throw
fits and fusses.
He watches.
He listens.
In silence,
he learns.
He decides
on the cause
and the necessity
for change.
For change,
he reasons.
If reason
does not work,
he acts.
Such is a man.
A man is one
who does not
work to prove
his value,
for he knows
his value.
A man is one
who can surrender
to vulnerability,
to intimacy,
to shame;
and still
have the strength to rise
and live another day,
after feeling so small.
He
is strengthened by these
three defeaters of men.
He unearths
the strength
in his weaknesses.
He does not
have to be
fearless,
for as
a human being,
he fears.
He acknowledges his
fears
in silence if not aloud
and works to
dispel of them.
Such is a man.
A man can falter
under all circumstances:
those
beyond his
control
and those
within it.
A man falters,
but a man rises again.
Before rising again,
a man will not
use
emotion
(anger,
frustration,
silence)
to hide his fear
of being
risen.
He
falls prey
to
being open.
He falls prey,
but the predator is
growth.
A man can
fall before
a woman.
He can love.
He can trust.
He can cry.
As a woman
lusts
for such
a man,
he does not
act
like he is grown.
A man is.
It is this
man
who does not
steal
the hearts
of women.
He does not
win
the hearts
of women.
He does not
catch, sift, play, take, borrow, use
the hearts of woman.
He does not
seek the hearts of women.
He finds
a woman;
the heart of whom
he loves.
Such is a man.
The is woman,
sought and found,
brings a man
manhood
in the connection
between
them.
A man turned
father,
is a man at
last stage.
Such is a man.
The father
who makes men.
A man is he does so.

ill illusions

What moves you? What shakes your thinking? What catches your attention? What makes you smile? What brings silence to your mind? What soothes you? What angers you? What takes you off of your firm footing? What urges you on? What impassions you? What consumes you? Think of what consumes you, and then think of its importance. Think.. Just think..

--

Tonight a thought consumes me, it eats me whole and regurgitates me so as to eat me again. Ours is a world based on illusions. The system that dictates the criterion for what is right and wrong, the definitions to concepts, the boundaries to our thinking--is based on an illusion.

--

[Just don't tell him I posted this. This will save me a lot of time and finger calories.]

Rachel says:
Kevin,
Rachel says:
do you have a second
Rachel says:
?
keviN. says:
yup. now it's gone.
keviN. says:
jus kiddin..
keviN. says:
wassup?
Rachel says:
At the moment, I am completely consumed by a thought that shatters the sense behind our whole system. I'd send you the article I read, but maybe you'd prefer a short summary. ?
keviN. says:
either or
Rachel says:
Should I summarize the article for you?
keviN. says:
oki..
Rachel says:
A planet, now named Gliese 581, has been found to hold water, gravity, and a climate similar to that of Earth. It's 20 light years away, and has given reason for our suspicion of life on other planets.
Rachel says:
This somewhat bothers me...
Rachel says:
I'm not sad or happy.
Rachel says:
Just. unfeeling. But
Rachel says:
It makes me think of whole our whole system, our thinking, our judgements, our priorities are based on illusions.
Rachel says:
And now I can't stop thinking about this.
Rachel says:
Kev,
Rachel says:
say something.
keviN. says:
hmm
keviN. says:
im not sur ewhat to tell you
keviN. says:
ive always believed our race to be misguided by illusions
Rachel says:
So have I, but this
Rachel says:
this justifies that belief tenfold and on levels above any of those majority of our race has ever imagined.
Rachel says:
I'm so
Rachel says:
my head is spinning.
Rachel says:
I'm going to nudge you.

You have just sent a nudge.

Rachel says:
eh, that didnt help too much
keviN. says:
lol
keviN. says:
what do you need to hear?
keviN. says:
our race is nothing when it comes to the universe
keviN. says:
the idea tha we are the only intelligent beings is arrogant propoganda
Rachel says:
My subconcious has accepted that already
Rachel says:
but it just saddens me a whole lot to
Rachel says:
think further, to apply that belief to our world.
Rachel says:
I mean
Rachel says:
if we aren't the "lucky ones" the "chosen", then
Rachel says:
what have we to say of world concepts of world concerns?
Rachel says:
Of emotions? Of the blood spilled and blood brought forth on aspirations based on a whole lot of nothing??
Rachel says:
I mean
Rachel says:
What can I say?
Rachel says:
How are we supposed to live?
Rachel says:
And what for?
Rachel says:
We are born, we live, we die.
Rachel says:
...
keviN. says:
youve begun your climb to understanding
Rachel says:
No
Rachel says:
I've begun my climb to acceptance
Rachel says:
Many know, but don't accept
Rachel says:
conciously
Rachel says:
Kevin,
Rachel says:
how am I supposed to live my life?
Rachel says:
Gov't?? Politics?? Law??
Rachel says:
All these elements of our world that are really just..fluff?
Rachel says:
Ha!
Rachel says:
I wanted to be a lawyer last year! lol!
Rachel says:
geez.....
Rachel says:
And what of emotions Kev?
Rachel says:
hate, anger, sorrow?
Rachel says:
love?

The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:
love?

Rachel says:
It's like a sad joke..
Rachel says:
and sorry I had to reconnect the wire of the router
Rachel says:
lol what silly concerns people have...
keviN. says:
yes
keviN. says:
your mind is undergoing a rapid growth at this very second
Rachel says:
lol you sound like one of those fortune cookies
Rachel says:
The fact of the matter, though
Rachel says:
is that, in reality, I can't change the system (not in the span of my lifetime although, as individuals we can make effects that last, if we even see the worth in doing so)
Rachel says:
I'm breathing right now
Rachel says:
so are you
Rachel says:
so are billions of other people
Rachel says:
The fact that the whole world is fake is no reason for me to take away my life
Rachel says:
as harsh as that sounds its true
Rachel says:
I'm going to live
Rachel says:
in this stupid system,
Rachel says:
and make as much worth with life as I can
Rachel says:
I still can't explain "love" though.
Rachel says:
"emotion".
Rachel says:
"emotion" spurs wants and desires, wants and desires spurs thoughts, those spur beliefs, and beliefs spur actions
keviN. says:
i didnt need to explian a thing
Rachel says:
But I needed someone to listen
Rachel says:
and to rant to
keviN. says:
lol
keviN. says:
i this conversation with myself a long time ago
Rachel says:
keep going
Rachel says:
oh that's all? lol?
Rachel says:
..........yknow...
keviN. says:
lol
keviN. says:
what do you want me to tell you?
Rachel says:
Eh, you wouldve told me the same things I told you, except you'll be referring to yourself
Rachel says:
and using different diction
Rachel says:
and everything would be more to the point lol
Rachel says:
but I wont set expectations
keviN. says:
lol
keviN. says:
sounds about right tho
Rachel says:
lol
Rachel says:

Rachel says:
Eh....
Rachel says:
Friend, dear friend, Kevin of Knives, Kevins Knives,
Rachel says:
The curse
Rachel says:
the horrid or wonderful or ambivalent curse
Rachel says:
of our species (just to our present knowledge)
Rachel says:
is that we have an inherent bond to one another
Rachel says:
to say it mushy, we love one another
Rachel says:
yes,
Rachel says:
North Koreans love South Koreans
Rachel says:
and
Rachel says:
China loves Japan
Rachel says:
but...
Rachel says:
still, emotions propel me to care for the rest of our race regardless of their foolish illusions or shared understandings with myself and with you too
Rachel says:
Our people aren't stupid, they are unknowing, and if not unknowing they are uninformed or stubborn such that they cant accept the truth
Rachel says:
Some limit their span of thinking
Rachel says:
But
Rachel says:
that does not eliminate the fact that my lungs and your lungs and their lungs, and my heart and your heart and their heart, and my digestive system and yor digestive system and their digestive systems
Rachel says:
sprout from a common place, and we are similar, we are brothers
Rachel says:
I choose to care. I choose to love. I choose to be aware of our illusions. I choose to live anyway.
keviN. says:
i rebutt the stupid statement, there are stupid people.
Rachel says:
Yes that is true, I accept your rebuttal, and stand
Rachel says:
lol
Rachel says:
ai....
keviN. says:
lol
Rachel says:
what's so lolly?
Rachel says:
lol?

To Publicize? Or not to Publicize?

To Publicize? Or not to Publicize? Those are the questions.

I decided to make this particular blog private after having created a new one. What edged me on to do so was the strange happening of a comment on one of my entries 30 or so minutes after I posted it. And, it wasn't someone I knew. I started thinking crazy tinkerings of "sexual predators" and "stalkers", and long story short, there are only 4 people I invited to this blog.

Should I really keep this one private?

Cryptic Much?

So I found a site online where I could take AP Bio practice tests. From question 1 to 19, I answered steadfast. But by question 20 my head jumped into another pool of distraction. Check this out:

20) All of the following are stimulated by the sympathetic nervous system EXCEPT:

Stimulate = excite = activate
sympathy = shared feeling
nervous system --> CENTRAL nervous system = brain
"all of the following" neutralizes "except"

So through the process of substitution, question 20 translates to, are you ready for it? OK. It translates to:

"I AGREE WITH YOU".

(Which by the way, is something you should be thinking right now. lol)

Anyway, back to work. I'm waiting for my Lit classmate to log on so we could put together our play for tomorrow. (Where are you??)

O_O

So, I've taken up another secret study. I can't help but smirk at that thought. I can't wait to apply the material.

And. I can't help but admit that the picture to the right makes me want to stick my tongue out and say something like "DORK!".

[We were in the Archives Museum and I was standing below a mural of the Freemasons and the All-Seeing Eye, lol. I should've gotten 2 others to All-See with me.]