A Nightmare. A Nightmare.

"So check myspace. You can get everyone's number on myspace." -my mom, to my dad

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A nightmare.

My parents' are planning on migrating to the mainland with me for college.

A nightmare.

O.O

My dad tells my mom that Rachel likes the East Coast. Keep in mind that I'm seated in front of the computer just a few feet away from them as they sit at the dining room table.

Rachel likes the East Coast? My mom asks.

Rachel you like the East Coast? My dad asks.

Yes, I like the East Coast. I say in reply.

So what state in the East Coast? My mom inquires.

I've been looking at a lot of schools in D.C., Maryland; NY has always been an option.

Yeah, those are where you find the good schools, in the East Coast. Goes my dad.

Oh, my gosh. (In typical Filipina accent.) Very expensive there!

But they're good schools. Dad says in rebuttal.

Geez... I'm thinking, geez... I'm going to the mainland for college. College. College is expensive, you know that? Yeah, you know that. Do my parents know that? I know they know that. But, it seems like they're making my going to college an opportunity to migrate. I have nothing against that. For all their hard work, I want them to get out of this here black hole. But the image that keeps showing up in my mind is... frightening...

I can see it now.

Rachel! Rachel! Get up! It's already 7! You have to take your dad to the supermarket before class starts! Nako. Anong bata ito. Sus mari jose...

Girl! Girl! Little one! Get up! Ehihihi. Adai, patgon dikiki. Cmon, kid. Take your dad to the supermarket.

Ok. Maybe I don't see it as being exactly that way.

The thing is..

In my eyes, college will be an escape to the long-awaited independence I've been working for. I like the thrill of living on my own, the excitement of a new environment, the change of atmosphere. I like knowing that one day, the day I arrive on that campus, the day I leave on that plane, the day the sole of my right foot shoe touches American mainland ground--I will have my place, my chance to flourish. Freedom... Oh, oh, Braveheart you say it best, freedom. I yearn for that freedom. I pine for that freedom. I also pine for the opportunity of finally being able to concentrate and focus without interruption. It's not like I won't miss anyone here--family & friends--of course, I will. How can I not?

But I need this. I need to have this one opportunity. I need this so badly. I'm completely vulnerable saying that, but it's true.

If my parents want to move to the mainland then I won't stop them... But howsabout they stay in Oregon where some of my cousins are? Or California where some of my aunts and uncles are? Y'know? The west coast??

Oh my gosh.. lol. Does that sound mean? Does that sound selfish? lol.

I remember a conversation I had with dad in late 2006. Mom wanted to follow me to college. Dad was against it. He said "You are going to be there for your studies, to get your education. I know that if your mom follows you there she'll be disrupting your focus. I know because I've experienced college before."

Dad's right. I need my focus. Yes, I will be put to the limits. Yes, I will be stressed and run down, up, and over. Yes... Perhaps my parents are getting the notion that their presence will allow them to alleviate my stress or pick me out of situations where they feel I need their help. The strange thing is, I've never asked for their help. Not with competitions, extracurriculars, classes, not with my financial pickles, despite my ongoing unemployment. If I get into trouble, my parents should grant me the gift of being the one to lead myself out of it--to learn, to adapt, to become responsible, to strengthen my legs so as to stand on my own two feet. I'm not pushing them out of my life, I'd never do that, I'm just making the attempt to use the basics they taught me of life early in life to prolong my life, so as to give back to them.

My parents worry me lots. I may yearn, pine, and ache for freedom but even more I want to see the day where the fruits of my self-earned labor will reward my parents, will get them out of their worries and give them the life they deserve.

Ai...So, my dad is going to try to call up a friend in Maryland--yeah cause yknow, me wanting to attend school in DC and all? If that's the case, maybe I'll attend college in DC for a short while, and transfer over to some other state in the upper east coast. But if I could have it my way, they wouldn't follow me over when I go. I'll be the first to go, I'll attend college for a couple years, I'll test the waters for the folks and see if I could find a place for them. I think it'll be too much of a financial risk for my folks to cash out about $4000 on airfare, and then to cash out more for a place to stay, and the costs for adjustment...and then they suddenly find out that things weren't what they seemed to be. It isn't easy migrating to the mainland. The American Dream is tantalizing and promising on appearance, but most dreams aren't achieved overnight. These things take time and lots of planning, not on-the-whim decision-making. (See the allusion to Upton Sinclair's The Jungle?)

Oh, bloy. We'll see. We'll see.